Dateline: BUCHAREST

1. Parking issues

2. Vehicles

3. Turabo, with homeless

4. Chocoruna

5. Geometry

We are interrupting our normal coverage of foreign events for a piece of breaking news. According to highly reliable sources,  Bucharest’s Second District is the site of some serious guerrilla warfare. The two camps are, on the one side, the local government, led by General Neculai Ontanu [incumbent mayor running for re-election], and a group of unidentified rebels fighting for his overturn [which may actually be linked to Al Qaeda, although Osama Ben Laden has yet to release a tape confirming this].

Here are the events so far:

1. the rebels stage a surprise attack on the unsuspecting mayor, using stencils and black spray cans. The images depict Mr. Ontanu, with HONTANU [in Romanian, 'hot' means thief - if you don't get, please stop reading now] written underneath them.

2. after having recovered from the initial shock, Gen. Ontanu swiftly deploy a troop contingent in the conflict zone, and engages the rebels using black spray cans:

3. encouraged by the success of the initial counterinsurgency operation, government forces intensify attacks, this time using unconventional weaponry, in the form of glue and posters of Mr. Ontanu:

According to unconfirmed sources, the valiant government-led response to the rebel threat has been able to restore some order in the district. Even so, the situation remains tense. Eyewitnesses have reported seeing the rebels fleeing into caves labelled with a capital ‘M’, which are presumably used to stage a counterattack.

For the time being, we encourage all foreign residents to refrain from travelling to the Second District of Bucharest, as the security situation remains dire. Of course, we will keep you informed of any major developments as they unfold. In the meantime, PLEASE check BBC News, as there is some seriously disturbing stuff going on out there!

Bucharest, 1st of may, 24 degrees celsius, sunny, national flags hanging on all major streets and on buses, very little traffic. This afternoon in Bucharest had a lot, if not all, the ingredients, for a perfect afternoon.

And yet something was wrong. Do you remember that movie where the main character wakes up in NY to find all streets deserted and the city empty? Creepy huh? Well, Bucharest felt a bit like that today. Actually, I felt like being thrown back into the dark ages of the mid 90s. With virtually all the ‘corporatisti’ away at the Bulgarian seaside, all the semi-rural lower middle out in the woods for a nice ‘gratar’ with ‘pet’ beer and ‘manele’, it almost felt like the city was invaded by an entirely new category of citizens.

For the sake of simplicity, let us call them the underworld. They are made up of a number of subcategories:

1/ the cocalar [chav] teenagers wearing jogging suits, wearing tight white wife-beaters, wearing their cheap sunglasses on their forehead, blonde highlights in their hair.

2/ the rural fake prada jeans, Borat-style green-and-white suit fresh from the bazar.

3/ the elderly senior citizens, very modestly dressed, enjoying a day out in the sun. Otherwise a not so sore sight, if it weren’t for their obvious penury.

4/ the moneyed provincial fancy cars bearing outside bucharest license plates in for a tour of the city. lame.

Right. For one day, I felt like I was thrown back in the mid 1990s. And it was pretty depressing.

Just so you get an illustration of what I’m talking about, here is some photo evidence [albeit taken with my camera phone, set to a remarkably low resolution due to my stupidity]:

1. menu at ‘Tropikana’ casino/bar, smack downtown next to Architecture Faculty, who graciously serves Carlberg lager for a mere 13 RON [EUR 3.7] Perfect for the first-time visitor fresh off the plane.

2. concert ad for Ion Laceanu, the guy who shook hands w/ Kennedy [!] one month before he died. Mr. Laceanu is accompanied by his own personal band, aptly named ‘The Rhapsody of the Carpathians’. Still not convinced? You should know, then, that Mr. Laceanu has performed for no less than 17 heads of state.

I had little time to follow international events this week. Partly because of post-Belgium depression, partly because of actual work. But here are two things that caught my attention:

1. Berlusconi, aka ‘Il Cavaliere’, wins a handsome victory in the last Italian elections, defying reason, common-sense and any sense of rationality. I seriously think Italy is un-governable, that it should either go for a neo-medieval confederation of city-states model, or totally outsource its government to Germany (or Switzerland).

I also think Italians are totally irrational. And not just because they elected Berlusconi. Let me explain. With 61 governments since Mussolini (that makes for a rough average of one government/year), 158 parties contesting the last elections, 0,3% economic growth forecast for 2008, 80% participation rate at the last poll, an underground economy estimated to be at about 50% of GDP (compare with 30% for Romania), Italy is by far the most blatant case of bad governance to have ever beset any country West of Vienna.

And yet Italians go to the polls, elect the same Berlusconi that did absolutely nothing to reform the economy although was afforded ample time to do so. Italy stands on a pile of garbage that needs to be cleaned (and I am not only talking about Naples here).

As a funny and, of course, fanciful sidenote, The Economist points out that, if current economic trends persist, Romania should be able to surpass Italy in terms of GDP/capita, in just 20 years. Here is the story.

2. Russia grows serious balls and starts to gobble up Abkhazia. Putin signs a decree establishing ‘official’ cooperation b/w Moscow and Abkhazia, allowing Russia to interact at a quasi-official level with de facto authorities there. The act also provides for Moscow’s recognition of legal acts passed by the authorities in Sukhumi. Here is a good analysis from Eurasianet. And here a great piece of Russian propaganda from Russia Today.

Coming in the wake of the NATO Summit here in Bucharest, Russia’s move is an annexation all but in name. If you have any doubts about it, just watch the clip from Russia Today. What this means for Georgia is that, if it ever joins NATO, it will be without Abkhazia.

So I am out of Brussels, flying on the wings of a Mafia-owned, low cost airline. I like mafia-owned airlines, because, unlike regular airlines, they don’t need passengers (the goal is not profit here) so you can enjoy lots of space.

Back to Bucharest, I am greeted by a taxi driver with ‘buongiorno, segnore’, offered a taxi for 8 RON/Km, unable to find a regular taxi that would take me home (too close by), and too lazy to order one by phone. So I am on the bus, with my huge suitcase, huge duty free bag and backpack, dragging my suitcase home while three fire trucks and a paramedics are trying to make their way through clogged traffic (I am really sorry for the victims of the accident they were trying to get to, it really sucks to be killed by… traffic).

Bucharest is fresh, muddy, crispy, full of puddles and stray dogs: reality shock. It takes me a few hours to recover.

On a more positive note, let us (Romanians) rejoice the fact that Parisians are assholes too (and therefore is okay for us to be assholes , as we live in ‘little Paris’):

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=utYyB96u0uw&hl=en]

I hate living in Bucharest. Just when you are pushed to the brink of nervous breakdown by the combination of traffic chaos, filth and people’s rudeness, just when you are ready to catch the bus to Spain and join the ranks of the ‘capsunari’ (strawberry-pickers), well, just at that very moment, you come across yet another instance of the kind of absurd, senseless, yet hilarious and pitoresque event that makes you stay for more.

Take yesterday for instance. I go to check out a new gym, in desperate need of exercise too cool off the steam of living in this Armageddon-like city. I look at the price list, and see:

1 session – 27 RON
4 sessions – 90 RON
8 sessions – 190 RON Continue Reading »

One could name quite a few reasons, I suppose. Yet it is a bit cruel when someone sticks the facts in your face in an unequivocal manner.

Read conversation below. Your task: identify which one of the interlocutors is writing from which location.

ES: hey dude, how’s it going

SB1: hey man!
alrite, just chilling
how are you?

ES: pretty good. it’s a sunny day today and the skies are clear. we get a nice view from the office, the ocean on one side and downtown and the mountains on the other

SB1: how nice
here i have a nice view of my back yard
in the distance i can see a 10 story communist block

ES: you still have your dog?

SB1: however, visibility is quite low because of the ongoing blizzard
no dude

ES: sounds cold